Well I'm alive, but I have hurt myself

Well the issue has been faced head on. I have to just wait and see what happens now. I handled it in the best way I could. I am still enemy number 1, but I was expecting that. Though however much I prepared myself for it, it still hurt a lot to be completely blanked by someone I care about.
Now it is time to stop thinking about Soul Survivor and think about Holiday club. It kicks off officially on tuesday, but I'm on the go all day tomo with practices and planning. We had our first stage rehearsal this afternoon and i have hurt myself already. I cant do anything without causing pain, a lesson i have to learn.
Please pray, im scared by all the pain.

New Wine

Well that was eventful! We got attacked by people with dodgy Theology. They were going round the market place and collaring people to push their strange ideas. It really unsettled us. How will people ever hear the Gospel if it is wrong to assocciate with Non-Christians? This was one among many of their dodgy ideas. Did u know i am a sinner for wearing earrings?! It isnt the kind of thing you expect when at a Christian conference. Matthew (very wise man! Dont get me wrong Jo is very wise too!) took Ruth round to control to talk to security about it, because it really was worrying, and we had to rescue a young girl from them later as well. Gosh, its always exciting with me around!
New Wine itself was ok, it wasnt really that relevant to us, but nice to be there and be part of the worship. The best bit, and the main reason was to see Jo, really nice to catch up and chat. The four of us had a good prayer time last night, im still very muddled but good to give it over to God with someone else.
Today i face the head of the problem that has been brewing and bubbling for months, I have to handle it right, please pray for wisdom and guidance.
Right, today i begin my 16 days straight manic time at work. Holiday club starts on tuesday and we start practices tomo. Liz is coming on monday, so that will be good, great to have her around again.
I guess its watch this space.... if i blog again, im still alive.

The poo has hit the fan!

Gosh, what a few days.
The S**t really has hit the fan. I cant really explain because i dont know who will read this, but i will say that i cannot win in this, what ever i do someone is going to attack me. And going on what has already happened its not going to be pretty. Im going to hang on to my job over this, cos I have done the right thing, just not everyone agrees. My management team do tho.
This is a very painful time tho, I'm hurting, in many many ways. Please pray, i'm scared everytime the phone rings.

Well there we go

I'm just on my way out to a meeting about Alpha. We are hoping to run Youth Alpha at church, we have all been called together to discuss what is going to happen.
Just want to say Congratulations to Liz on getting her degree! Well done dude!
Right, on the previous matter i blogged on... Ali and i discussed it and gave in. I couldnt cope with the bullying. We shall see what happens as a result. With leaders and kids alike - neither are co-operating. Its horrible to be honest. But never mind!
Im rushing to finish all the bits i have to for Holiday club. So that i can have some chill time tomo and then Ruth and I are off to New Wine on Friday for the day!!! Yay i get to see Jo! Havent seen her properly to chat with for ages. So that will be good. And a great chance to connect with God and spend time with Ruth.
Anyway off i go to my meeting! La la la, lots of people i need to face at this meeting and talk to, not many i want to tho! Pleased Ali and Julie will be there.
Please pray, holiday club, more pain and more stress are all on the horizon.

It got to me

I broke this morning at Church, i have had enough. I wish i had never agreed to take the kids away. Im sick of being bullied, argued with, over looked and completely disrespected. I'm going over to see Alison later... we can decide the way forward. I'll carry on - i always do, but the point is it isnt fair. I shouldnt have to take this. Alison and Julie were amazing this morning, looking after me. Its just the accumalation of everything, the pain and the stress.
Im really struggling today. Please pray for me.

The Aftermath!

Hmmm. I think that sums it up nicely. It was, well, interesting to say the least. Shame about the fact that the pact that Sarah and i had about chucking people out if they were rude or too drunk, couldnt extend to the friend of Sarah's who was staying here last night. She was a nightmare. In fact all of Sarah's friends were. Im sure that they are very nice people, WHEN THEY ARE SOBER! Gosh, i dont appreciate a bunch of 18 year olds coming into my house and calling me and my friends a bunch of c***s. Not only do i hate that term, but come on, get over yourselves. Perhaps i was wrong that at 18 and 23 people could mix happily. The younger kids just hung out in the kitchen complaining if we came in. My friends all gathered around the table on the patio, until... the ogre's wife next door sticks her large unwanted head over the fence and yells that if they dont shut up she'd call the police... Interesting threat, considering it was the first thing she had said. So that is the line i am maintaining. They came inside as soon as they realised they were bothering anyone. Stupid woman. Right, i guess i should begin to clear up a bit. I think my sister has done a lot already but i must collect up bottles for the bottle bank. Its a little unfair that i didnt drink anything alcoholic at all but i feel as sick as anything this morning. Gar! And i have early starts all this week! La La La.

Ps all credit to my sister, who handled her stupid friends well, even when i had to have a go at one of them.

Pps. I won the bet over how many of Sarah's friends would be sick... 1, tho yes Emma you have a case to argue - he was sick plenty enough for 2!!

A gathering of randoms!

This evening could be interesting. Sarah (my sister) and I are preparing for a gathering of friends at our house this evening. Both are currently wondering whose dumb idea this was as we sweep the patio of its flood and frantically pray that it doesnt rain so that we dont end up with everyone in the house! I think i have changed my mind about the whole thing. My knees are really hurting and there is no one coming who understands about my knees. (This is the same issue I have with holiday club - there is no one who wont push me too far!) But anyway, that is bye the bye. I will relax and not think about work (except that i have to be up in the morning! Ahh well! Anyway, i must sort out last minute bits and pieces and shower before people arrive. Please pray that people get along - some of my friends can be very unsociable with people outside the group - it winds me up!! It would be nice if Sarah's friends mixed with mine too, but without certain people being rude!! Im not sure of the general opinion of my friends of my sister either. So this could be interesting as many havent seen her since she was about 15. She is now 18 and a young woman - how old do i sound?! But our relationship has matured, dont get me wrong we can still wind eachother up no end, but things are a lot better than they were. Hoping people will come without preconcieved ideas!
La la la!

Ok now im cross

Im not going to give details - it wouldn't be fair. But it seems that how ever hard i try i cant do the right thing. When i do, i get insulted, rejected and hurt. If it was from kids i could almost take it - but not condone it, but from the parents it just makes me question why at all i do this. Its just insane and upsets me greatly. Im in pain, but im still doing this. I could have quit and refused to take all this, but im still doing it. Im not asking for recognition... im asking for the respect i deserve. I am going to give in to the bullying... purely because i cannot cope.

Its a sad day

Today is the first time that my knees have really interfered with my work. I am meant to be at Youth church, but my knees are so painful. So for once, as i know they have enough leaders, i have done the sensible thing and stayed at home and rested. But instead of supporting me and caring, the other leaders are bullying me and guilt-tripping me into going anyway. This is partly why i never pull out of things and try not to let people down, cos i hate it so much when people do it to me, but then when i do i get guilt tripped. Im upset and angry by this. I hate being controlled by the pain, but sometimes i have to give in. Usually i push thru it, but I'm going to be spending the next few weeks doing that and i've been told by the chair of my employment group that he doesnt want me injuring myself further. I hate the pain and the problems it causes, but i hate having to explain and justify myself too.
Im not happy.

Scared by Holiday Club?!

What am I? Like 6 yrs old?!
But seriously tho, I am feeling anxious at the thought of Holiday Club. I am now doing the role of 2 people, overall trouble shooter and supervisor, pastor to the young leaders, one half of the up front duo, planning and leading of messy games, and teaching the stories from the front. Not to mention all the random bits and pieces that will no doubt fall into my lap. Dont get me wrong - i enjoy holiday club and it is a huge priviledge to be able to teach 110 children about Jesus! Its a huge ask for me physically tho... I'm not good at saying no, and i never pull out... esp if it lets people down - i just cant do it. So God give me the wisdom to know when to stop and the humility to ask for help.
Right - to the rest of my day off - i must not spend any more money!! Ooops!
God bless - may you know He loves you, we all need reminding at times.

Routines

Its taken me the weekend to manage it, but i have managed to get back into the routine of cooking/cleaning/washing. A habit i had got out of when i returned from Uni.
Routines are a good thing, they help get things done. But we must be careful not to get stuck in a routine and not leave space for God to move. We mustnt put God in a box. Easy for me to say, i know, but its been on my heart. I'm guilty of it. Especially with everything with my knees - putting God in one box and the pain in an other. Its not the right way to live.
"HAVE WE MADE OUR GOD TOO SMALL, too small?
Have we made our God too small?
He made the heavens and earth and He reigns on high
Yet He's got the time for you and I"
Time to hear everything - even the same pain over and over.

Soul Survivor

Well i have survived the Soul Survivor meeting. Good to get most people together. A few noteable gaps but i shall chase them. Overall it has been successful tho i think, i was able to answer every question thrown at me! My senior leaders are fab!
Right - Holy Smoke now! I can usually cope with this pace, but with pain levels this high - im struggling. However, i run from the still and quiet - and with an empty house i'm going to keep busy!
Ha!

Wet and Wild night

Hmmm, how dodgy does that sound? But actually not... our 11-14s club night, Blitz. An evening of water games. But it was cold!! My knees are/were so painful. I was asked what stupid things i had been doing to make me that bad. I wish i could say that i had, that i had been out having fun and had done too much. But i havent, i've been doing my best to not hurt them, and yet they are worse than ever.
I guess u can tell im having a down day, but there we go, that happens. Its going to be a busy weekend, and i have a washing up rota to make!
ARGH!

Yay!

Well the PCC have decided my future. They decided that they would like me to work for them as part of the Staff Team (I kinda was anyway, but as a volunteer!) but this is as St Andrew's Schools and Youth worker. Full Salary etc. Im very chuffed! Clearly they appreciate what I do. Its good news tho!
Things are good, praise God!

Busy weekend!

Its been a very hectic weekend! Liz arrived on thursday, and had to do Thursday night church that evening, then Friday was dress shopping for Liz's wedding - yep, me in a dress! Hmmm reserving judgement! Then we ran Youth Drop-in. Then the highlight of the weekend... Pathfinder camp! Great fun, but hard work. 12 great 11-13s. But I'm suffering now... the pain in my knees is through the roof! If one night of camping does that to me, how will i cope with running the camp for 5 days at Soul Survivor? Prayers appreciated. Though the leaders I have in support are amazing. Alison I love you!
Tried to chill out for the rest of saturday, we showed our faces at the Orchard School Fayre, then went for an amazing cream tea at church - visit St Andrew's coffee shop if u can! (Opening times). Visiting relatives on saturday evening, an endurance feat but we survived!
Church was good, a vibrant service and wonderful to see my pathfinders return from camp in such high spirits!
Yesterday was stressful, apparently it is possible to make 4 major errors with one booking. If i have to send yet more cheques i will be unimpressed. School and More to Life was great, despite a missing leader. We made helmets of salvation and checked how protected we are from attack and how important it is that we have a knowledge of our salvation because we dont always feel it.
Right, today is my day off. Im going to drive my parents to get their car fixed and then go into town to see what i can get in the way of camping equipment to make things easier on my knees. Think i may treat myself to a new sleeping bag too...one that wasnt a drain pipe in a former life!
Please pray for the continuing preparations for Soul Survivor - im struggling to find space to transport all the equipment and all the people! Gar!
Ok i off, im awaiting a call from the chair of the PCC - they sat deciding my future last night... hmmm!
God bless x

Lunchbreaks and the like

Today is a fairly busy day.
Im always in school on a monday so the morning is usually spent in prep for that. Today we are doing the Shield of Faith, thanks to my amazing friend Sarah for the great cling film shield idea! I love having friends who are either creative or Youth workers! I really enjoy teaching a small group of kids who have come along to learn. Its just such a priviledge.
The rest of today is to be spent photocopying and planning! Its that time of year again - sending out Soul Survivor info packs!
Tomo, however is my day off and im going to Gunwharf Quays with my family!
I believe God is going to move in St Andrew's Youth Ministry soon. He is preparing us, that is never easy and often painful. Pray for humility to be moulded.
God Bless

I love my job but...

I cannot cope with rude kids! I disciplined one and he belched in my face. He is sooo banned from Blitz for 2 weeks! No wet and wild night for him! Or his equally rude little friend.
Out on the streetwise bus this evening. A good evening, we met a lot of kids but i feel sick from Gavin's driving, and i wasnt the only one!
I know i am called to this job, but there are times when i question my calling - this is one of them. I am under a lot of attack at the moment. So God is going to do great things. IN HIS NAME - is the only way im going to get thru this!